| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2004|07:47 pm] |
DAY ONE
hour 20/408
here's how it goes... i didn't exactly fast. 500 calories ish.
i didn't *gain* weight though, always good. i'm going to weigh myself in the morning. good god. i'm frightened. it'll be 124 ish, i think. i'm going to get up early and excercise my ass off for an hour. that's right a whole fucking hour. five until six. shower. go to classes. bastard. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2004|05:38 pm] |
DAY ONE
hour 18/408
i ate a peice of wheat bread-- 150, moment of weakness that just goes to show how useless i am. i was shopping with some friends and they kept insisting that i'm *SO SMALL!!!* oh my god shut up. but once i got home i wasn't feeling so bad about last night as i had been all day. so i pulled out a peice of bread and ate it and on my way to get the next one i just felt like i'd been slapped and stopped.
thank god.
i'm going to be okay for the rest of tonight, tomorrow, and the next day now. i know that. and thusday i just have to pretend to be reeeeeaaaaaallllly sick. always works.
tomorrow i'm hoping for anything under 125, because i feel like if i don't then i'll just get blasted with depression for being above what i'd like.
god damn it. 17 days. 15 pounds. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2004|12:09 pm] |
DAY ONE
hour 12/408
mmmm having three cups of tea and 1/2 a litre of water. going shopping and then coming home to work and then taking enough sedetives to kill a horse and going to sleep.
ugh-- never want to look at anything made for consumption ever ever again. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 22nd, 2004|12:58 am] |
DAY ONE
yawn.
hour 1/408
look at that. i end on the 8th. i want to be 108. 408 hours. 8 is my lucky lucky lucky number.
i'm feeling weirdly sadistic about this one. considering it was my brain that fucked me over last time.
going to be fine. fine. fine.
17 days to loos 15 pounds. fucking hell. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2004|07:37 pm] |
here's the thing. i really used to get inspiration from the onlythreeweeks group--- but not anymore. all of the girls there--- or most of them aren't ana. and it really makes it impossible for me to find help when it's just normal overweighters trying to be ana. god sake.
idiots.
so, here's my new thing. 408 hours.
i know, random, right?
wrong.
that's how many hours until the 8th, and frankly my darling, i'm now willing to let this go. i'm not.
all it means is i'm going to fast for three days and then on the fourth day have a soy latte from starbucks and three glasses of orange juice. because that's what i usually have if i'm just restricting. i don't care what happens on thursday. i'm not binging or purging. i refuse. i'm going to sit at the table with a diet coke and pretend to be sick. soooo sick.
AND i will excercise my ass off. i will.
t-120
w-119
t-118
f-117
i keep pushing the dates back but this is absolutly the last time ever in the history of the world of me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|10:06 pm] |
FUCK
had a mia moment....hour
starting over. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|07:39 pm] |
DAY FIVE
ughh--- tragic peanut butter overdose. beuuurghhhh----ewwww.
it's such a random thing to be eating. so much fat. so many calories. there's something like 7000 in the whole jar--- which is about a third gone since monday-- so that's something like--- oh, math, ow.
not going to think about it. simply going to throw it away and never look at it again. instead i shall stare at my low calorie hot chocolate. because it is saving me with all 25 calories. today was supposed to be a fast. technically, i haven't broken it, even though i've probably had something like--- oh 300+ calories in peanut butter. WHY. god damn it what is my life coming too.
i'm 121 but it's night time. i'm going to have some more tea and hot chocolate and then i'm going to go to bed.
i think 120 in the morning, or hopefully less. you never know. i'll be below that on monday and i'll be more prepared on tuesday to not binge. ohkay, getting used to the diet now. actually being able to make it work for me.
aurrrghhh--- i will loose. i will loose i will loose. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|03:07 pm] |
DAY FIVE
hour 111/504
well, doing well again. had a LOT of diet coke at work. smoked far too many cigarettes on my break. i'm home now and have *so* much work to do.
i'm praying to be below 120 tomorrow morning. PLEASE GOD BUDDUH AND KRISHNA. oh my goodness. if i'm not, then... well... i don't know what then. i suppose i just have to have patients because that's all i can do. i didn't binge. 25 calorie hot chocolates on a soup day isn't binging. i think i'm alowed 300 to 400 calories on that day, but i'm not actually sure. erm... oh... here's an exciting little thing.
if i allow 300 calories on a soup day and i need sugary goodness because i am a sugar junkie-- then i can have about 12 hot chocolates (yes!) after five o clock and i can have one every half an hour. that sounds like a better plan than a bowl of soup-- that just ends with me feeling unsatisfied and in need of sugar.
i need to do homework but i'm really really tired. i think i might just make some tea and go watch telly. there's never anything on though, so i'm not sure what the point in that would be. ugh. do your work.
excited and nervous to weigh myself tomorrow. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|08:10 am] |
interesting.... not as bad as i thought....
Starbucks
Latte, Low Fat Milk, Grande
(Drinks) 1 ea
(16 oz)
(480 gm) 217 calories 7.5g fat
Latte, Nonfat Milk, Grande
(Drinks) 1 ea
(16 oz)
(480 gm) 161calories 0.8g fat
Latte, Soy Milk, Grande
(Drinks) 1 ea
(16 oz)
(480 gm) 153 calories 8.2g fat
Blended Mocha Frappucino, Grande
(Drinks) 1 ea
(16 oz)
(480 gm) 278calories 2.9g fat
Cappuccino, Low Fat Milk, Grande
(Drinks) 1 ea
(16 oz)
(480 gm) 144 calories 4.8g fat
Cappuccino, Nonfat Milk, Grande
(Drinks) 1 ea
(16 oz)
(480 gm) 108calories 0.5g fat
Cappuccino, Soy Milk, Grande
(Drinks) 1 ea
(16 oz)
(480 gm) 120calories 5.3g fat
grande non fast cappacinos are officially my 100 calories soup treat. oooohhhmmmmm. yum. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 20th, 2004|08:01 am] |
DAY FIVE
104/504
urrrrghhhhh--- no i'm becoming obsessed with yesterday. i refuse to weigh myself because i know that will just send me spiarling into a world of guilt in which i end up binging or i actually *loose* and therefore think it's okay to have as many calories as i did yesterday.
liquid fast= good idea in theory, especially when you intend to drink juice= not such a good idea when you start to think of all the calorie-ful things you can consum that are liquid.
thank christ i didn't melt ice cream and call it a liquid or something.
ugh.
still, i think 117 by monday is attainable.
i have work today which means i'll be out of the flat for hours and then i have coursework to do all afternoon and then i intend to go to be really early so i can be good. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2004|10:14 pm] |
DAY FOUR
hour 94/504
hmmmm.... today is an experiment. i'm not going to weigh myself in the morning, lest i scare myself shitless over water weight again. i will weigh myself sunday morning, and i'm aiming for a 118 or so. PLEASE.
today i had a lot of low cal hot chocolate and a lot of--- that was it, actually. i had a lot of that and then the lattee and some peanut butter-- ew... no more of that. hot chocolate is much better for me, i'm sure.
so, in any case, i don't know how many calories that is. but we'll see on sunday, i suppose, won't we. and if i don't appear to be that much lower than 120 then the next third day i have will be restricted to liquids after five or so. i don't know. it's hard to figure these things out. i don't care about soup. i just have a sweet tooth. this low cal hot chocolate might just be the way to go. there's 25 calories in one serving.
i could have one every night on my normal fast-- thus not eating peanut butter (god) which is so much more calorie-ful than 25 cals. and then on my 'soup' day i could have as many as i want. well... depending on sunday's weigh in.
i think i'll be fine though... mmmm.... sugar free chocolate.... much better than one would think. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 19th, 2004|04:21 pm] |
DAY FOUR
hour 89/504
how do you like this.
cw: 120
lbs lost: 6
lbs to go: 12
yesterday went very well. bit of peanut butter but nothing else. i actually went over to a friend's flat to pick up some film and he had this pasta thing made for he and his girlfriend and i just stared at it for the longest time and felt so sick just looking at it. i am very happy that food is making me physically ill. it means no more late night take away trips and binge eating. ughh.
then another friend came over today to commplain about her love life and she brought all this ben and jerry's with her because she's so massivly depressed and i just played with the spoon and didn't eat anything while she blubbered at me and shoved chunky monkey down her throat.
honestly. it's called chunky monkey. like i'm going to eat that.
but still, it's in the fridge and i have absolutly no desire what so ever to eat any of it. and i am a sugar fiend.
however, today is my liquid day and i said i would have orange juice but i couldn't be bothered with getting orange juice from the store so i got a fat free latte from starbucks after work. and i know, that's not good because of the massive calories--- but i don't care. i'm allowed a latte on soup days, i'm decided because they don't make me feel fat, they just make me smile. and i'm not making excuses.
liquids are liquids. i also had sugar free hot chocolate--- abotu two cups, which is 50 calories a serving. so, essientially, i feel i'm doing damn well.
tomorrow i'm back to fasting. should be interesting. this the the longest i've been scessful with three weeks, not in general, but just with three weeks. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2004|03:28 pm] |
DAY THREE
hour 54/504
thank christ i'm still doing well.
i had:
3 diet cokes
2 cups of coffee
2 peices of gum sans sucre
i belive that is well done-- although for some reason i feel like i'm cheating? i don't know why, that's virtually no calories. black coffee has what-- 5? gum has about 3 1/2 i belive. oh well.
cw:122
which pisses me off a bit, but i only weighed myself about an hour ago, which means i have all that soda and coffee in my stomach. also, i'm on my period. hurrah for bloating. so i'm going to try not to freak out about that, and be leniant with the scale. hopefully i will wake up 120 tomorrow as planned.
i started my period yesterday, which means i should be finished by monday, which is my goal day of 117. will that work? i'm fasting all weekend and tomorrow just having juice. not very much juice. hopefully. i'm going to buy a pint of orange juice and have that through out the day so i don't get sick. last time i got sick on my third day of fasting, and i was doing much better than. i mean, only diet coke and water. not even any gum or---god damn it--- peanut butter. why? why do i pick such a stupid calorie ful thing to be addicted to? i suppose it's better than chocolate or ice cream or something, because i only have a tiny tiny tiney bit of it. but still, it's about the control. and i have quite a bit right now, thank you very much.
ah, well. i have school work to do that i'm putting off. damn it.
argh. now i'm obsessing over my period, which isn't okay. why. why must i be cursed with the female er--- curse. how much water weight do you gain on your period? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|12:19 pm] |
DAY TWO
hour 36/504
i like that big DAY TWO!!!! hah. anyway, i'm getting ze hunger pains. j'aime les hunger pains, beaucoup.
i think i need to take a bath. or maybe-- i don't know, do work like i'm supposed to be doing. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 17th, 2004|11:15 am] |
hour 35/504
PHHHWAAAOOORRR!!!
saw an amazing show last night. i danced my arse of and basically smoked all the cigarettes in western europe. woke up and weighed myself. three pounds gone forever. brilliant 122. and i don't plan on eating.... mmm... basically ever again, you know?
going to do some work this afternoon. and then hopefully read and go to sleep REALLY early.
current: 122
starting: 125
goal: 108
lbs lost: 3!!!
lbs to go: 14
14 is a lower number than fifteen. that's all i'm saying.
tomorrow is a fasting day as well. hopefully i'll wake up closer to 120, 120 definitely by friday which is a 'juice day'
i'm still contemplating the meaning of juice day. if you think about it you could consume massive amounts of calories and carbs on a juice day. i'm thinking fat free milk. coffee and tea with milk rather than just black. maybe i'll buy a case of those little juice boxes and dole them out over the course of the day to my self.
i'm going to go find out the healthest juices are for you. god i'm weird.
essentialy, no solid food for three weeks. i'm very pleased about that. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2004|12:35 pm] |
heh heh....
i just finished an essay on a clinical assessment of an anorexic case study for my abnormal psychology course...
i'm quite amused. maybe i should get my psychology degree and become a therapist to girls with eating disorders. oh god, i would get sued so fast. oh well.
hour 13/504
woo hoo--- taking a shower and then going to the club to take pictures. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2004|11:07 am] |
DAY ONE
back on the three week diet. woot. feeling all un eatable. you know what helps.... metabolife. it smells and tastes like shit. so i attempted to drink some and it made me sick and well, i didn't eat anything else. so, hurrah. i haven't eaten. i'll be fine.
hmmm water.... going out tonight.... many cigarettes and many calories burned. 123 tomorrow. 122 thursday. 120 friday? please? god? |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2004|11:06 am] |
|
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 15th, 2004|08:05 pm] |
hmmm.... interesting
today i had:
2 breakfast bars
several cups of tea
several tablespoons of peanut butter
handful of cashews
1 small baked potato
1 small piece of grilled chicken
3 peices of brocoli
4 squares of chocolate
2 ice sugar free ice cream sandwiches (80 cals each)
i really don't feel guilty or fat and i weigh 123, which is nice considering i was 121 on sunday morning and then i raged out of control and undid saterday.
so, considering the extreme guilt of sunday has become a very controled day today. i mean, it wasn't quite restricting but it wasn't binging, finally. jesus christ.
tomorrow i don't have time to eat--- at all. so i'm going to just say i'm fasting tuesday wednesday and thursday and i mean, i feel so laid back right now and okay i probably will be able to do it. i always say that. i think i actually mean it this time because--- i don't know i just feel like i can do it.
by the 9th of december i need to be 108 pounds. i have three weeks and three days. hmm.... and thanksgiving is in this span of time. i really feel like i can do it this time. i do. i have no idea why, but i do.
plan:
friday 11/19: 120ish
tuesday 11/22: 117ish
monday, tuesday and wednesday i need to do major preperation for thanksgiving. i know, i'm scottish. we don't have thanksgiving here. but my aunt lived in america for a long time and her kids are americans and they've been here for about five years now so we get forced into celebrating this hypocritic american holiday every year.
anyway. the goal is to be 115 or just under PLEASE that was the lowest i managed to get down to in september-- and i lost three pounds in two days from three days of fasting at 117, two days of normal non binge eating and then two days of 300 calories and EXTREME physical activity. god damn. so--- i think if i just if i do really really well on friday i can be 114. it will take effort. my family are facists about food. my mother is huge and insists that everyone follow her example and eat their weight in shepards pie. ughhhhhh. no.
so that makes me--- god, there's no point in doing this other than i am ocd and it makes me feel good to plan things out-- even though i almost never follow through. i want to follow through so badly on this one.
friday 11/26: 114
really really really need to not eat until i reach 110 at this point. that's my new plan: don't eat until i reach a weigh instead of don't eat for these amount of days because if i say that i always fuck it up. i always fuck it up. oh god. i'll fuck this up too, probably. no---- i CAN NOT FUCK UP.
december 1st: 110: or else i will kill myself. really. i will. no, i won't. but i'll probably go into a depressed coma.
as of december first i will will loose the remaining two pounds to get at my 108 and then i will restrict to 300 calories until i loose more if i feel the need. who knows.
THIS HAS TO WORK IT HAS TO |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 12th, 2004|08:57 pm] |
i'm not going to make this an excuse to eat, because i'm not doing that ever again, but on tuesday (fast day) i have another show to shoot. so i get to fast all the way through that evening and then i'll come home and hopefully be so tired i won't have anywhere to go but sleep.
running around the city is *so* much fun.
i also have a show to shoot next sunday, which is a... fast day. excellent. and then monday will be carry over from that day.
brilliant! i need more cigarettes.... |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
scottish_hips's journal